Diary of a Minecraft villager

The Diary of: A Minecraft Villager

“The Diary Of” is a new series of satirical fiction pieces written from the perspective of the bit-part players in video games. For our first entry, we have written a piece on the diary of a villager from Minecraft. Enjoy.

January 1st, 2015

Urgh, my head. I partied so hard last night. Even woke up next to a Pig with a saddle on its back. I think I broke my jaw though. I fell over a brewing stand and hit my head and now, when I try to talk, I just make this “Fnar” noise. Bob tried to talk to me this morning and it was “Fnar” this and “Fnar” that. I should probably cook up a steak and see if I can heal myself.

minecraftpigriding

January 2nd, 2015

You won’t believe what happened today. There I was, manning the store like I do every day, when this guy named Steve came in. I tried to speak to him but I don’t think he could understand me because of all the “Fnar”ing I was doing. Anyway, he comes in, walks around a bit and then the cheeky shit opens up my storage chest and empties it. Can you believe that? I shouted at him (well, I said “Fnar” some more) but he just upped and left, taking my paper, my precious diamond sword and the melon I had left in there for my lunch. What a dick.

January 3rd, 2015

Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnar. Fnaaaaaaaaar.

January 4th, 2015

Holy crapballs. Last night was scary. That dick Steve mined his way through to a cavern full of Zombies. Steve took off in his mine-cart and let the Zombies roam all over the village. I spent all night standing by the door, listening to them trying to get in and groaning. Luckily, they all burst into flames once the sun came up. Damn that Steve.

Minecraft_Zombie

January 5th, 2015

Today was my day off so I thought I would go fishing. I headed down to the river only to find that Steve had built some kind of roller-coaster there. What a monstrosity. I bet he didn’t get planning permission for it. I didn’t get a single bite either. Stupid Steve.

Minecraft_rollercaoster

January 6th, 2015

I looked in the mirror for the first time in a while today. What the hell is going on with my nose? It looks like a sausage hanging from my face. Seriously, I need to look into plastic surgery. I’m never going to get a date looking like this.

January 7th, 2015

That’s it. THAT. IS. IT! I woke up this morning and I could feel a bit of a chill so I thought I had left a door open. Nope. My roof, the walls, my door – ALL GONE! Then I look over and Steve is there putting the finishing touches to his castle turrets WITH THE BITS OF MY HOUSE THAT HE STOLE!!! I can’t take any more. I’m going give him a piece of my mind. I’m going to get my diamond sword from my chest and… Ahhhh shit.

Minecraft_Castle

January 8th, 2015

If you are reading this, I am likely dead. Thanks to Steve, the menace of our village, I was left homeless and defenceless. I took refuge in a cave but I tripped and fell through this weird glowing portal and now I have no idea where I am. I must have hit my head when I tripped because I swear I just saw a dragon…

Minecraft_Dragon

Sean Davies

Heart Failure Analyst by day, Review Editor by night. Co-Founder of PSGamer.co.uk, father to 3 and avid trophy hunter.

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